The Lumberjack
by zcross1997
Summary: The Toiletnator is tired of being laughed at by the Kids Next Door and the Villains. Finally, he can express his true desires.


The Lumberjack

Disclaimer, I don't own Kids Next Door. That is a creation of Tom Warburton and is owned by Cartoon Network. The Lumberjack Song is Monty Python property.

At the Delightful Mansion, Father is hosting a dinner party for the Adult Villains. Jenkins pours both Mr. Boss and Father a glass of scotch when suddenly there is a knock at the door. Jenkins goes to open the door, and the Toiletnator comes rushing in. "Hey guys! Sorry I'm late."

Mr. Boss puts palm in his hand. "Aww geez, it's Toiletnator! You invited him to this, Father?!"

Father knocks back his drink and stands up. "No, I did not. I would invite NIGEL UNO, before I invited him to anything!" Every villain in the dining room begins to laugh uncontrollably, and the Toiletnator then proceeds to bawl his eyes out.

Mr. Boss tries feebly to calm Toiletnator down, "Get a grip will ya, Lou!" Toiletnator continues to cry, "I...c-can't... stop... crying!" Father then bursts into flames, "Well you'd better stop! You're ruining... MY IMPORTED ORIENTAL CARPET!" The Toiletnator lets up on the water works, still very sad, "Well why do you guys have to be so mean? What did I do to you?"

All the villains look at each other before looking back at the Toiletnator. Mr. Boss finally speaks up, "Toiletnator, of all the ideas you could have had for being a villain, why did you involve yourself with toilets? It's weird, it makes US villains look bad."

"I didn't choose this life, very few people actually realize that I was cursed by a Toilet god when I was trapped port-a-potty." All the villains look at each other confused, but also slightly understanding.

"I didn't wanna be a villain anyway. I didn't want to live in a diet of vegetables and urinal cakes. I didn't wanna be mocked by every kid and adult on God's green Earth. I wanted... to be lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The giant redwood, the larch, the mighty Scots pine. The smell of fresh cut timber, the crash of mighty trees."

The villains begin to hear music picking up. Robin Food and his merry men walk into the mansion dressed as Canadian Mounties. A pretty blonde woman stands next to the Toiletnator. The Toiletnator takes off his TP hat, replacing it with a trapper hat. He also rips off his jumpsuit, revealing he has on jeans and a flannel shirt on. "With my best girl by my side; we'd sing, sing, sing"

(Toiletnator)

_"__I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK  
I sleep all night and I work all day"_

(Merry Men)

_"__He's a lumberjack and he's OK  
He sleeps all night and he works all day"_

(Toiletnator)

_"__I cut down trees, I eat my lunch  
I go to the lavatory  
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea"_

(Merry Men)

_"__He cuts down trees, he eat his lunch  
He goes to the lavatory  
On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea."_

_"__He's a lumberjack and he's OK. He sleep all night and he works all day"_

(Toiletnator)

_"__I cut down trees, I skip and jump  
I like to press wild flowers  
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars."_

(Merry Men)

_"__He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps  
He likes to press wild flowers  
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?"_

Everyone in the room begins to look confused at each other. The merry men continue to sing along though.

(Merry Men)

_"__He's a lumberjack and he's OK  
He sleeps all night and he works all day"_

(Toiletnator)

_"__I cut down trees, I wear high heels  
Suspenders and a bra"_

The Toiletnator rips off his flannel, revealing that he is wearing a hot pink bra. This causes several villains at the table to either vomit or cover their eyes.

(Toiletnator)

_"__I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama"_

(Merry Men)

_"__He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?  
Suspenders and a bra?!"_

Everyone is beyond weirded by the Toilenator's appearance and is mumbling to each other. The merry men then leave. The attractive blonde runs out the door in tears, "Oh, Lou. I thought you were so macho." The Toiletnator is standing in the middle of the room, confused. "What? I thought you guys would like this better."

"Toiletnator! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Father shoots a fireball at the Toiletnator. Sending him out the window and at least a mile away. Father turns to everyone else in the room. "We never discuss this again, agreed?" Every villain looks at Father, "Agreed".

End Transmission

Please review. I like writing music into Fanfictions. I'm curious if any of you have any ideas. I originally was gonna have this be another Spongebob one, but I don't think there are enough Toiletnator stories.


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